Enough.

I’m losing my mind. How is it things can be so wrong, yet everything is perfectly alright? This is the third day where all I have done is question myself. Am I enough? What is enough? Can I ever become enough? And who’s “enough” am I struggling to enough of?! UGH! God has some plan for me, and lately I feel he is taking my plans and flipping them around. What I desire I am starting to question. Like do I really want to become a nurse? Or do I want to still be a teacher? Is that wrong I don’t know? 19 and all I can say is I am more confused now then ever. I have a family that loves me, friends that are there for me, a man who always brightens my day and keeps me sane. But for once–It’s all me.

I don’t feel like me. Where do I belong? God has this plan for me that I don’t know…and my questioning has only made me look to Him and go: Are we even on the same page??? Or am I reading things wrong?

Have you ever just had a time where you felt like God was telling you one thing, and then suddenly he says to do something totally different? I hate second guessing myself. And I hate the word hate but honestly I am so lost. Frustrated is an understatement. I have this passion for missions building inside me, I have a heart longing for more than Houston. I suddenly have more of a drive to be a teacher than a nurse. I can’t remember the last time I suddenly felt so desperate to pray and let loose. Talking with God is becoming so hard. Communicating has never been so tiring. Who am I? It’s like fighting myself, two sides that can’t be in the same body, struggling to get their say and repeating: “Choose already!” God what did you make me for?????? What ways can I give you glory? What’s my gift that gives you glory??? What is the purpose of my desperation that craves your love and to give you love and adoration. This isn’t what I want. I don’t want to keep this up. This go to school, go to work, make happy, and sleep. Repeat.

Why is it that I want so bad to escape choices? To sleep away my existence if I can’t have something to live for…I get so irritated so easily. It doesn’t take much. My patience is wearing thin. I lay down and think: “When?” I don’t want to live with a schedule that is made up of “lets stay happy.” What happiness is worth a day? Maybe a week? God help me give you that love you have inside of me locked up so tight. Unleash me and the beauty you have buried in this corpse filled with lifelessness. Shake me awake. Breathe in that breath. Pulse the beat. Break me free. Take off the locks–the chains. The ones I want so bad to stay on because I get so lost. Lead me to You. I want to love you. And need to love you. My purpose is in your coming, in your sacrifices, in your blood of love.

Sigh. Time for a break. Hopefully tonight will prove to be a big fat wake up call. Carry me Father. I am getting tired of walking, but I desire you so bad.

In Love,

joyfulpraisegirl

Twilight

The sky is dark and clear for stars to shine as midnight has come and gone. The air is a crisp, cold solitude for sleeping figures still wrapped comfortably in bed within houses warm and snug. The sounds that fill my ears are a passing by of a car or the silent hum of our fridge downstairs.  After almost losing a battle with myself to go back to sleep, I realize that if I do indeed not wake up: A) I can’t go running with my loving boyfriend and keep my commitments B) I’m letting my mind psych me into thinking warm and happy thoughts C) I can always take a nap later. It’s then that I push the sheets off quickly, like a band aid on a wound–quick and sudden before I can think about it. The clock on my bedside is screaming: 4:00AM in the red letters that practically talk me into “Please..just a few more minutes…” Yes, it is moments like these I have come to be familiar with. But man is it worth it.

One morning much like my above narration, I had woken up and quite regrettably remembered I needed to rush and get ready. My loving and amazing man who runs every other morning with me at 5 was waiting patiently for me as I had just dressed for our run. After running outside, a quick chit chat, and a small kiss or hug before our run–we’re off! I have never loved anything like running until now. (Having someone to encourage you and know that they are there for you as much as you are there for them is awesome. No lie. I am crazy blessed!) The feel of the morning air pushing past me with each step is exhilarating and makes the small puffs of air worthwhile in the stillness of the morning. The moon beats down on the track we have frequented since we had started our routine, and the stars are shaped in wonder. God is so good. I have learned in our runs that God is everywhere in everything in creation. Like one morning I remember running and looking up in the sky to see a question mark made of stars. Seriously, it was like God asking: “Hey my sweet daughter, what’s on your mind?” Cool stuff.

After much physical effort to survive the last lap, and my love’s ease of gliding straight through it–we both head back to the house pushing each other to the end silently with each pound of the pavement. It was then that I looked up and saw the most beautiful sight, and had to do a double take. It was twilight.  Before us the sky was painted yellow and a hue of orange. The purples were whispering to the pinks that melted into the blues, which faded back into the night still not willing to surrender. Imagine the sunrise of all sunrises, while you are out of breath and zapped of all energy. I remember being ecstatic. Sad, probably. But still I looked at the sun and immediately opened my mouth and told my boyfriend: “Look at that! It’s twilight!” My heart was pounding in rapture. My Father made this beautiful sunrise! He MADE it. The colors, the sun, the sky, the air I am breathing, the joy that I am feeling. It sounds so elementary–but seriously: He is beyond words in His Glory and beautiful works. I cannot imagine heaven’s affect on me if just a sunrise can steal my breath and send me into inner (and outer) exultation. It gave me the strength to make it through those last four minutes with a speed even I was proud of

Just wanted to shout a praise to our God. Is He not awesome? I love Him.

In Love,

joyfulpraisegirl

My Song

Proverbs 28:7

“The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped;my heart exults, and with MY SONG I give thanks to him.”

Yesterday our pastor in Awaken service asked the question: “If I could make you sing the song that lives inside of your soul, What would it be?” If I had to be completely honest, I would say even at this very instant I am not sure. We are studying the book of Psalms, and in such read a psalm and talk about what it means and the meaning behind the words. This past message spoke to me deeply, and I was challenged this week to wonder: “What is my lifesong?”

There is a song by Casting Crowns called Lifesong. Here is a segment of the lyrics starting from the beginning of the song:

Empty hands held high; such small sacrifice

If not joined with my life, I sing in vain tonight

May the words I say and the things I do

Make my lifesong sing, Bring a smile to you

With my Lord I have nothing to offer Him but my devotion to Him: My love and a fervent passion to be with Him and keep Him first in all things. It is when I read these lyrics that I realize what I am not.  I am not my own. I cannot make me, nor I do not have the power to breathe life relying on my breath and ashes. I cannot speak anything into existence. I am tied down by time. I am small. I have a purpose set by one who is greater than I. I did not make love, nor can I act it out correctly relying on my nature alone.

Yet also I have realized what I am: I am His. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and have power in Christ who strengthens me. I was spoken into existence by Him. I am a follower of One who is not limited to time: My Lord is the I am. The beginning and the end. He is immeasurable, my refuge in which I can take shelter. I have a God-given purpose in this life which was given by Him, that I shall fulfill as He tells me to. He is love which I crave and desire. He is teaching me every day what love really means, and how I am to share it with others.

I want to live my life with these above words in mind. What I am because of what He has been, is, and always will be. I pray I can bring a smile to God’s face. To see such a scene would be a sight! I couldn’t imagine being in front of God and knowing something I did could make Him smile! I am going to reflect on my actions, words, and life: Is the song in my soul the one I wish to sing to my Father?

When I decide on my answer to this, I’ll post again. Just like on the Lifesong album of Casting Crowns, the very last track is: “And Now My Lifesong Sings” I will make that my title and pray that I can learn more and seek His guidance in the Word.

In Love,

joyfulpraisegirl

Release Me

Seasons of life, Oh how you change.

When God calls me to change, it is my desire to change with what He is planning. I feel changing going on inside of me, and can’t seem to put it all together just right. I am taking it slow each day, and trying to meditate on His word and lay in His love when weak. I know He is sustaining me, or else I would have been gone weeks ago. I just want so bad for this hold of whatever has me feeling like I need to stay and not change to burn away and release me to my Father. Whether it be fear: Of disappointment, of newness, or the unknown. God help me break free of these daily stresses. Of these built up attacks I keep putting upon myself trying to make everything perfect, and slipping up more than not because I try too hard. Help me remember I am your daughter. You’re my bridegroom who loves me. When I feel weary and try hiding it you see my tears and worries, my bottle of sin I keep locked up and bring out on occasions far too countless and old. My life is before you a book you have and still write within. The stories are endless, the story is told with the ending in mind–I will come to a day when you are before me and I can be with my Savior!! God I long for you, your touch and voice! To hear you say my name would be a chorus of which my heart would fill, burst, and send me to tears. You spoke me into life, you healed me as your creation and brought me new life in you when I was in bondage. Your hand is before me, and I desire to have my legs burn with a passion to feel the desire I have in my in flames of need!! Allow me to break, to live, and to love; In the way you do and you do alone. I can’t stand my selfishness. I can’t break free of these worries and my needs that are nothing but wants I think will FIX ME. I don’t know anything of how I can be fixed but by the One who knows and MADE ME. Take me Father. Just take me into your arms and whisper to me, shout loudly into my heart–I am not alone.

Why is it?

Why is it that when you have distance from something it makes everything stronger? You can take this negative, but I mean it positive for the instance. You know those moments when you are kept from something or someone and you desire having this something or being with that someone. Last week I was kept from something/someone very important to me, and I realized what effect it had on me to be away from enjoying this missing piece. Instead of dedicating time to what I was missing, I focused on everything I normally can’t. Like this blog, other relationships, and even the very part of my life I was missing.  Isn’t it funny how even though we love this someone/something we aren’t actually focusing on it from a productive, but instead it will become habitual and “everyday” losing its luster. I went to take a look in the scriptures because I am finding I am already slipping back into the old mindset/casual enjoyment now that I have this piece back in my life, and I want so bad to keep enjoying the way those feelings sparked when I was reunited with what I missed.

Psalm 145:16 says: “Thou openest thine hand, and satisfiest the desire of every living thing.”

The LORD SATISFIES the desire of EVERY LIVING THING. Not an object, or person or obsession other than GOD. I read Psalm 145 and was filled with love and praise for our God. His love in unfailing, and his greatness is announced in the scriptures time and time again which reminds me: My God is God.  None greater, wiser, older or merciful. How many times do I forget my God is a jealous God (Deuteronomy 4:24) and he desires me to desire HIM. To dwell in His presence and embrace His word, love and will. Can I possibly be focusing on those things when my mind is so full of my selfish desire to have what pleases me more than my quiet time? Or even sometimes affects me to the point or worry or ceasing all other thoughts? I know that as a woman, I can especially let the world overtake me, and flood myself in worries and self conscious inadequacies I find in myself and in my life. Though I am sure men deal with the same thing, I suppose I feel so many girls can agree to this post. It’s tough being a woman who desires for everything to be right and in harmony when her soul is not dwelling in the right place: In front of her Father.

In Love,

joyfulpraisegirl

Beating FEAR.

What are my weakest moments? What is it that can send me to my knees in shame, conviction, and brokenness? I have asked myself this all day today, and for the past few days regarding my issue that haunts me every time leading me to the conclusion: By letting my weaknesses control ME, I am not fulfilling GOD’S will.

In my Beth Moore small group study we are reading from Esther 4 and picking apart details; ones that may not normally stand out when just scanning the Word. Starting from verse 5, we watch the way that Esther (the Jew, and now queen of Susa) reacts to her relative, Mordecai (who is a Jew, and raised her because of her parents death) who was at the gates in SACKCLOTH and ASHES where he WORKED because of what HAMAN (who is enraged with anger against Mordecai for not bowing to him) had the KING’S (Xerxes)approval on the decree: That every Jew in Susa was to be killed within 11 months–on the twelfth month. (This is among the time line when the PASSOVER is OCCURRING which is an important fact which will later be of a greater significance in the verses to come)

Now two sides of the picture play out with one being Mordecai and the following Jews of Susa learning of their death which is 11 MONTHS AWAY (imagine such a fate looming over you! Talk about living in fear..) and then Esther–who has no idea until NOW to learn of this decree happening.

If you read their back and forth conversation thanks to messenger Hathach (who was not a Jew, but a king’s eunuch who was appointed to attend Esther: Picture in your mind being someone who was to message the fate of an entire people and their demise to someone else who APPLIED  to it)  you find that Esther says the following verses which raise the doubt and fear she feels in her mind:

“All the king’s servants and the people of the king’s provinces know that for any man or woman who comes to the king to the inner court who is not summoned, he has but one law, that he be put to death, unless the king holds out to him the golden scepter so that he may live. And I have not been summoned to come to the king for these thirty days.”

Not only is she pointing out that there is a chance she will die, but that everyone, including him, should know this. She also points out that she has not been summoned to the king for 30 DAYS. Now if you are like me when reading you would normally read this and go, “Okay, well then now she is going to see him so it’s all good.” No. This study questions: Why? Why is it that she had not been summoned for 30 days? What is wrong, or has happened to cause the Kind to not see or speak with Esther–HIS WIFE–for 30 DAYS??? I questioned this amongst my small group I am in  and it came across in many different way that are all both very likely and probable. One I found most interesting was: Maybe because God had planned this entire thing, so that within these 30 days she can now align her thoughts to that of THIS matter, with the emotions from her husband not calling for her in a month’s time in the shadows of her mind and heart.

Then Mordecai told them to reply to Esther, “Do not imagine that you in the king’s palace can escape any more than all the Jews. For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place and you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not attained royalty for such a time as this?”

which long story short: Mordecai is telling her that she is not going to be escaping the fate placed upon them with this decree: She is also a Jew–Queen or not. And the next point he makes is pointing out what brings comfort to me : “And who knows whether you have attained royalty for such a time as this?” Who is to say God has not placed her in this position–this moment–in order that she may fulfill God’s purpose in delivering His people by sending Esther to talk with the King and throw away her fears for the sake of HER PEOPLE. There is such irony in the fact that she is Queen, but is placed as Queen because of GOD’S plan in saving His people. Though I can imagine the fear of the situation, there is a sense of modern day screaming it’s common truth: What is happening and what will happen is in accordance with God’s will and His plans for our lives, that we may fulfill HIS PURPOSE. I hope I don’t have to put in bold what a big deal this is. That God is not mentioned in the book of Esther (check if you don’t believe me!) but His presence is UNDENIABLY THERE. especially in moments like these, when Mordecai points it out to her in black and white.

I find the next verses interesting because before our eyes, Esther is GROWING spiritually and FIGHTING A BATTLE INSIDE HERSELF within a few sentences that pass.

“Go, assemble all the Jews who are found in Susa, and fast for me; do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maidens also will fast in the same way. And thus I will go in to the king, which is not according to the law; and if I perish, I perish.”

Do you see how amazing this is?! she has gone from “Um..hello? I could die.” to “..and if I perish, I perish.” What a marvelous God we serve. esther takes what God has set before her and instead of marching straight to the solution–she asks for FASTING. Not just ANY fasting either. But no FOOD or DRINK for 3 DAYS. Can you imagine not eating or drinking for three days? I mean honestly imagine it. Your stomach craving even the slightest crumb, and your parched mouth craving a drop of water. This meant business. especially when you consider this is around the Passover–a time where FEASTING and JOY is to be found, and here you see FASTING, and sadness engulfing an entire people. and she is also fasting, along with her maidens, so that she may go to the King; NOT KNOWING WHAT THE OUTCOME WILL BE.

I want so bad to have this. This courage that she found in the Lord, through the fasting of her people in reverence and communication to God and their immense need to be heard. What is funny is what I want is already being given. In desperate situations and trials that the Lord puts me through, He stands with courage to see me through it and a love unfailing and unyielding to carry me on. There is nothing that God would not ask me to go through in which He would not offer courage and strength that is His alone in order to serve His will. What a beautiful and loving God we serve. And man, what a heart that I desire to work for. My challenge to myself is to build up every ounce of strength I have and use it on myself and these weaknesses buried within. That I may leave no room for doubt, and only a bravery and trust in my God and His purpose for me.

Just stuff to think about…

In Love,

joyfulpraisegirl

Broken

There is a verse I found this morning that fits what I am desiring perfectly:

Psalm 30: 1-5

I will extol thee, O LORD; for thou hast lifted me up, and hast not made my foes to rejoice over me. O LORD my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me. O LORD, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave: thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit. Sing unto the LORD, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness. For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

I feel as though I am in the middle; Not yet at healing, but somewhere after the breaking is yet to be had its full effect. The verse above is the hope I cling to that God will save me from this crash of tribulations. I haven’t been this low in a long time. It seems that somewhere in my journey I have left pieces unfinished and doors left open in my mind that I had forgotten about in my rush of everyday life. There are moments where last night I had a break in my shield and it felt like everything was closing in. It is moments when I am so down like that that I ask for prayer from those I know will pray because they care.

I am going through a time where I am finding I don’t really know how to please everyone, without the fact that screams in my mind: You can’t. A lesson I never really seem to learn, though it comes about more often than not.  Though I know people need me, I feel like I am spread thinner and thinner. There are days when I think to myself: Are you really okay with all of this? Are you really going to make it and finish with excellence? I have succeeded in finishing with a joyful heart and energy to spare, but it seems like I will no longer be able to do that this upcoming race without God providing me strength more than ever.

Last night I cried it out, and I know that today will be another day full of some form of breaking me until it I resemble dust. I am waiting for the clock to hit the time, waiting until I need to get up and take the hit after hit. By tonight I will be better off I pray. And then it’s only a handful of days left until I can feel resolved fully knowing that others are happier and satisfied. I just want to close off, detach myself and fade.

Here’s to a long meeting ahead. Few hours and counting.

In Love,

joyfulpraisegirl

“She said I think I’ll go to Boston…”

(This post was meant to be published forever ago; So when you read the first line, keep in mind it was written when I first came back months ago in the summer   )

I arrived back from Boston a few days ago, with my heart on my sleeve. The city that once meant nothing but Red Sox and a song I had heard on my mp3 has become a piece of me that can’t be taken. I started with old relationships and ended with stronger budding and beautiful ties with people I won’t ever forget. This is a short post on my thoughts of Boston with pictures from my trip that I took with 18 others who had the heart to serve God and be witness to those who didn’t know Christ’s love.

This is the church where we served, which is now officially taking on its first services!

Redeemer Fellowship Church

The Pastor, Chris Bass, is an awesome man, and father, who has a heart for God, and a huge heart for Boston. Manual labor missions has got to be the most amazing experience I have had in a long time. I learned so much more spending time with each members of the trip and becoming close by working on God’s bride together! We met his wife, Brandi, and she is beautiful! Her personality is so kind and fun, and she is a wonderful mom. Their children would periodically hang out with us, or help out, which was another aspect I had never experienced: Getting to know the pastor and his family personally for a week! Though obviously we didn’t spend every waking moment, there were moments where we could have fellowship that were awesome and rewarding.

Going to Boston was wonderful not just spiritually, but in learning new experiences: First plane ride, First time on a trip without parental guidance 24/7, first subway/bus ride, and that’s just naming a few. Visiting places like Harvard, eating Boston pizza, and getting to look out where the Boston Tea Party happened were just a handful of memories I will always remember.  There is a list of joys that is miles long full of all of the great things Boston has done for me and my view on missions. I can honestly say that I plan to continuously do at least one summer mission trip out of state (or country..still praying on this one…) where I can try something new. Here are a few more pictures just for fun that I picked out just because

Right now podcast recordings are available for Chris’s church, and you can check them out on this link if you ever want to hear one of his sermons!

In Love,

joyfulpraisegirl

I Got A Feeling

Reasons as to why this summer has rocked so far:

• My boyfriend left for Ethiopia for his mission trip and will be returning on July 11th!

• I will be celebrating more than 5 different birthdays in less than two months–and all of them are for best friends/family!

• VBS BABY! I forget how much we as volunteers are renewed, not just the children. It’s awesome!

• I am ALMOST done posting all my pictures/videos on Facebook from Boston.

• There have been tons of great songs released before and during summer to keep me jammin all the time.

• I have taken up jogging all over again. 3.25 miles is the distance so far. Let’s see what it can be pushed to by August!

• Started my new job at Best Buy!! Hollah!

• Meeting tons of new people at church and work. And met an awesome youth leader guy who I am working with!

• Making some awesome stuff for my love while he is gone, and planning surprises everywhere

• Being blessed with having a job that not only sustains my needs, but does even more than that.

• Being blessed with having time to spend with my family, and enjoying every second of it.

• Multiple trips to Moody Gardens with my girls (sister and cousin), and having a girls day out there last week!

• Scrapbooking!!!!!!!!!!

• “Summer”" Cleaning Time

• Cello Time

• Hang Time

• Dancing: Both practicing and Choreography routines just for fun

• Spending time with my besties!!

• Getting to have my first summer with Miss K in my life!

• Tanning. Yay for pale skin turning into normal skin!! <3

• And oh so much more…

I feel really blessed right now just looking over that list and, seriously, there is still so much more. Like three days ago for example was the date of the first night I ever met my boyfriend. You can even read it in a post I made and his name is right there as a reminder. It’s times like that when it hits me what God has in store and how much I will never know what He is planning in my life. I am thankful for serving and worshipping a God who saves and loves, and who hold my life in His hands. What an amazing God we serve!

In Love,

joyfulpraisegirl

T Minus 15 hours…

I am packing up the final touches, holding close to God’s will, and letting go of all the junk that holds me back. I am so ready to leave for my trip to Boston. My heart is aching and craving and I feel the excitement of sharing God’s love to the point where I am full of joy. I am laying on my bed staring at my luggage and still can’t really believe it. I am seriously going to Boston!!!!

If you read this, whether by accident or choice, I would like to ask you to pray for me and the group of people who are going and that we help to spread God’s love and help others to know Him! I will be updating this each night if possible!! So if you ever want to see how we are doing up in Boston–check it out here. Later!

In love,

joyfulpraisegirl